The Rotton Apple & the Little Elves…

It’s a night like any other. Done binge-youtubing on my iPad, (acquired just 18 months ago), I kiss my baby goodnight and tuck it into its iSleeve for some iSleep.

All my iGadgets I judiciously protect from the big bad world by ensconcing them in iCovers and iSleeves.

It’s a morning like any other. I wake up energised, ready to re-begin my sojourn into my iWorld. But today for some reason my iPad refuses to wake up from its iSlumber; unresponsive… first to the warmth in my touch, then the cajoling in my cooing, and then the panic in my pleas.

I stare at my iBaby, distraught; it keeps staring into space, deadpan – the cold, ash-black colour on its face contrasts with the chalk-white on mine.

Inside of me I hear something break. It’s my heart.

iBroken. In commiseration, I tell you.

My first port of call (err.. search) is … you guessed it… Uncle Google – who graciously informs me what steps can possibly revive my sleeping giant.

So I try, and I try… and then I cry, and I cry. Because nothing works.

No option now but to rush my baby to the ICU (the Apple Service Centre, Southpoint Mall, Gurgaon) where Apple medics will help resuscitate it and bring the glow back to its iCheeks in no time.

The medics at the Apple service centre regrettably wear a we’re-not-your-friends kind of stilted, smirky smiles – an armour scripted by Apple I suspect, to keep complainants like me from becoming over-enthusiastic and over-familiar.

No problem I say.. as long as they fix my under-the-weather iBaby.

The next few minutes go in one of the smirky smilers trying on my iPad the exact same stuff that I had googled at home.

I’m watching him and thinking once he’s done with these preliminaries, he’ll switch to more advanced surgical resetting and solve my problem.

But no. To my horror of horrors, this guy with an apology of a smile turns around and declares rather unapologetically that my iPad is dead…deceased…defunct…departed. Beyond salvation… beyond human ability to resuscitate…beyond Apple’s ability to revive.

Watt!! I say… you can’t say that!

You’re Doctor Apple.

The God of small things, and big.

And you’re telling me that the apple of my eye is now dead meat!

You’re Doctor Apple.

You HAVE to do something more than what I do googling at home!

You HAVE to have more tricks up your iSleeve than a piddly Puja or a giggly Google!

How can my gadget conk off when I take such good care of it, my tone drips indignence.

Electronic gadget hai Madam.. kuch bhi ho sakta hai, the smirky smiler’s tone drips intransigence.

His nonchalance irks me no end.

Especially when my wallet is palpitating under the apparent loss of 1.34L. AND the thought of shelling out another 1.34L on a new iPad.

Why make your products so expensive if you’re going to give me such a pedestrian answer for a piece that stops functioning, I’m livid.

Ab kya bolega Madam, electronic product hai, smirky smiler is frigid.

I pick up my cudgels and move into monologue mode

When I pay in lakhs for a product which I KNOW costs you a fraction, I’m not paying for just the product, I’m paying for the faith I place in your brand.

I’m paying for the quality assurance that you give with it.

I’m paying for your guarantee that you will not act like any of those fly by night operators.

So when you say electronic gadget hai madam, kuch bhi ho sakta hai, you aren’t just denting your company’s reputation, you’re shattering my trust… demolishing my faith… and denting my psyche too.

My problem is no longer the dead iPad, my problem is the demise of the faith I have in Apple as a brand.

The point isn’t the monetary slap… which of course is a point too… the larger point is the sacrilege of my trust in Apple products.

For someone dripfed on Apple for over two decades – my pore iHusband a mute spectator to my iLife chockablock with my iMac, iPhone, iPad, iPod, iTunes, iCloud – this is infidelity of the highest kind.

It’s the penalty I have to pay for putting all my eggs in the Apple basket.

Now that my Apple cart is rudely upset, for the first time in my life I start to think android – mentally deciding to get rid of my Apple addiction and relieve my family of it too.

I walk out of the Apple Store feeling like apple crumble.

And then by chance.. Just. By. Chance. On an instinct, I walk into a tiny nondescript shop bang opposite to the Apple Service Centre.

The staff at this store is merrily having lunch from their bento boxes.

Can you repair my iPad I ask, barely hearing my own voice.

‘100% madam’ they chant in unison, between mouthfuls, before I even pull my iPad out of its sleeve.

After the cold clinical reception I just received at the Apple Store, this people’s energy levels laced with dollops of optimism are infectious.

I find myself smile wryly.

What can these little elves do that a conglomeration like Apple couldn’t.

But then… guess what!

In practically minutes of inspecting my iPad and seemingly running some kind of a magic wand over it, they hand me back my iBaby – gurgling and glowing with life.

I am stumped, stupefied, speechless.

All these folks have done is replace the iPad’s power supply card.. for my baby to dust its electronic skirt and walk out of its iGrave, alive and kicking!

Surely Apple, no… Rotton Apple could’ve done that too!! 😡

But the thing is… they couldn’t care less… not batting even an eyelid before asking me to throw this iPad in the dustbin and spend another 1.3L buying a new one.

An apple a day is said to keep the doctor away.

But the one half-eaten by Steve Jobs seems adamant to keep customers at bay.

I now understand why the company is named Apple.

Its products have the shelf life of an apple!

In a two-minute noodle world, an Apple lasting 2–3 years seems like par for course and no big reason to crib.

But I feel morally obliged to share my experience with the rotten Apple – or the rot that has set into Apple – because millions of people are being made to shell out zillions of bucks courtesy Apple’s indifferent service standards.

So guys please.. next time your Apple product goes defunct, don’t take Apple’s word for it.

Check out with my little elves in Southpoint Mall (shop no. 203-A, 2nd fl) Gurgaon. Ayush is the owner there.

Please go to him for any repair of any gadget.

Take my name if you like… he might give you a complimentary pair of ear phones.

And meanwhile… if you’re listening Mr. Rotten Apple.. please check the rot you’re trotting towards… and stop milking your loyal customers or there’ll be mayhem and’roid!